All the sadness will end here

Christmas Eve, a night should be full of Joy~
2012 Christmas eve, I not sure how many pain should I go through,
Seriously, I feel I am kinda down on this Joyful season.
Please let me cry out loud,
Just that the pain already don't know how to cry d.

Am I a toy or a stock?
Is it so hard to communicate well with me?

Alone sometimes doesn't means a bad things,
I feel alone is worth at this moment,
I really hate those who don't appreciate me.
So I will appreciate myself more.

I want write all the sadness in here,
Then hide my heart in a dark space.
I am not going to give out my heart again.
I want to be strong.

12.12.12 J.L.

Recently, I don't know what is in my mind.
My life is enjoy enough,
My luck is good.
I got my offer letter which what I want at the 1st place.
I have resigned and serve one month notice right now in the office.

Suddenly I feel a bit upset to leave, but I know I wish to move on.
Just end a sister trip to Penang and next week another trip to Vietnam.
Great December, Great relax time,
Summore Uncle Lim have sponsor me a pair of new heels.
What a great December. :)

But I still miss you, Mr. J. L.
I wish I can share my every single happy moment with you.
12.12.12, I wish I have the courage to call you or whatapps you,
Just to tell you how much I Love You.
I am thinking for the whole day whether should I do so or not.
But I not dare at the end, I am worry I will push you away from me again.
How I wish I can fly over Koh Lippe to accompany you,
I am worry you will be too lonely while alone out there.
Till this moment, I still feel I wish to married you only.
Can't you feel the love from me?
Again, to not disappointed myself, I decide to do nothing.

If this is the last post on 2012,
A simple record of 2012,

I realize how true is my love is.
I realize how hard to earn money.
I now understand how luxury my life is last time.
I know how much my parents love me.
I understand how worry am I by getting old.
I found that it is very hard to fulfill my goal list with my spending behavior.
So, next year I will target myself save money only.
Change my eating habbit and quit gym.
Hopefully I can save RM20k next year.

Stress

Recently I really so stress,
I stress till I don't know why,
I will really blame the people around me.
I can't cry. How?

Are you walking away again this time?

Sometimes, it is better don't hope for somethings.
When you expect something but you know it is impossible?
At the end, your expectation become nothing and left with disappointed.

I  am not sure,
I wish to know what I meant to you?
Do you have a little bit of feeling to me?
Or just you are boring and you know I am there always for you?
I admit I also boring, but I don't know how long can it be with this relationship getting worst.

I am so disappointed with you.
Everyday I am telling myself to be ready,
I really worry I see you in a relationship when I open my facebook.
I everyday telling myself, don't check on you anymore.
But I very miss you.

I don't understand why I so love you,
Until I am willing to be your backup SP.
Can you don't do so to me again?
It is hurt.

Are you walking away again this time?

Are you come back again this time?

Out of sudden,
You have come back to my life,
After 3weeks no contact with you.
When I don't care,
Suddenly you come talk to me,
I was thought we just friend,
And you told me you like my behaviour now,
I wondering, Did I changed?
Or actually you are more happy when I didn't look for you?

Then you like the one who didn't look for you?
I got no idea, but i realize when I no need guess what you want,
Then this is what you really want,
You are not happy when I try to understand you, understand your world.
Let it be, how long will this continue?

I know I still love you,
And I feel happy that I finally find a way to be with you.

Yesterday I smile a lot for you, do you know that?
I know we forever can't be just friend,
But sound like we only can be friend.
I really wish I can walk my whole life with you,
You are the one I wish to be together without any benefits.

I miss you so much, can't wait for our date again as promise.
I hope and pray you remember your promise yesterday night.
Eventhough, I know you are the one who don't keep your promise,
I still pray for it.

I wish you come back to me this time.

Move on

I don't know why,
But I know let go only I can have better life.

That is not an ending of us,
Just a beginning as friends,
I will appreciate you,
You will regret.

Let time move me on~

Why add me back in Facebook look not nice?
I very sad with the answer that you give,
I cannot understand.

I already give you know the truth,
You believe but you don't want accept me back.

Let time bring me to the better future.

My world has collapse

I feel I have lost you totally.
I am really not willing to lost you.
If time can go back,
I swear I won't give others my fb password.
I am regret.

I miss you,
And now I can't even silently see what are you doing?
Do you know how sad am I?

Nobody can understand,
I know I let go,
But I know I will wait,
Now I can't even wait.
No more. It is the end of the story.

Miracle didn't happen.
I already try my best,
I want to change.
Every single of your words is now non stop remind me,
How worst am I.

I know my world inside my heart is totally collapse.
I know my dream have gone,
I really try so hard to grab him back.
I really so miss him.

He come to my dream everynight,
I just wish to be his friend,
Now no more.

But I know I have to act strong,
I have to act normal,
I only can hide my sadness and the feeling to you.

Again, I can feel the pain of losing a fren and a guy I care.
Why I need to go through this?
When I am 18, I lost a friend, Mr. A.
Now I lost again, a friend, Mr. J.

I need Miracle

Miracle~ I need Miracle.
Everything going to end soon?

Happy 1 year anniversary

Oh Yeah~
Today is the 1 year anniversary I have been cheated by him,
Last year today 26 of July, 2011.
Is our 1st date, my 1st date with Mr.J.
That time I never thought I will deeply fall in love with him.

I never tot I got the chance to be with him today,
Thanks God, I love you.
I will appreciate every single moment with him,
Because I know possibility to be last is unexpected.
I still believe Miracle will happen sometimes.

Continue dreaming one day he will never leave me and confirm me.

Special day to remember

I miss the moment of blogging with chinese words.
I miss my laptop but it already spoilt.
I miss the moment of back to Uni last year.
Every year this day sure something memorable happen.

Today I am sure nothing going to happen.
Because I didn't make things happen.

How I wish, tomorrow you will tell me,
You remember it.
Our 1st dating, is 26 of July 2011.
Watching Captain American at TGV.
My 1st time watch movie with Couple seat ticket.
And so far, it is the last time I sit at Couple seat till now.

How I wish back to the past,
I can change my decision on this day.
The most memorable decision I have made.
N I now fall in love with you till now.
1 year, i am still your friend, what a failure woman I am.

Life that not easy

Recently I still not yet solve the problem of my laptop,
Well, financial issue again, not easy want to spend that money.
Just worry, I spend already, i got no spare money for emergency.

Yesterday I have this thinking,
If after 3 years I am still the same like now,
I am just going to back Melaka, hide myself at home.
I just need 1 day 2 meals, I think that is not an issue for my parents.
Just a taught to make myself have awareness of Life.

I am thinking, why I live till somehow sound like useless that kind.
Maybe because I am still not financial independent yet.
That why, I should learn to pay everything by myself.
What is my problem?
I really can't see my problem,
Maybe it is just a down moment.
I am Emo Queen~That why~

Learn to be patient,
Don't take it so hard of the words from others,
If it is yours, God will give you an opportunity to grab it.
Believe, Just need to have passion and believe in your life.

Tomorrow will be better,
Just solve the current issue 1st.

Better lifestyle

Miracle didn't happen.
But I changed,
I totally feel that I need a change,
I cannot live like that anymore.

That's not the life I want,
so I know if I want the life I want,
I need to change.
I'm not sure change could let me be someone I want to be or not.

I willing to try.
Just want to be better.

久违的你

久违的我，
终于回到来这里，
虽然每次都是因为不开心才会写一大堆东西。

但原来这里是属于我的避风港，
我想把这一份伤心记录起来。
每个爱我的人都不愿意再一次见到我伤心。
偏偏我选择了这条路，
是我自己要还是我们都要?
我花心吗？
刚认识我的人会觉得我花心得很，
换了一个又一个的伴，
却不愿意停下来。
认识我很久的朋友，
会知道我忠心地让他们想把死我，
当我换的时候，所有的不在意，
只因为住在我心里的其实都是同样的人，
我尝试爱别人。
那又怎样，他们都没有珍惜过我的爱。

为何偏偏我差不多成功放弃的时候，
你又回来我的身边，
还是你让我有最终的告别？
我用了八个月的时间开始忘了你，
你只用一天的时间让我忘了当初如何忘了你。

那天，我很想问你，
可不可以就爱我这一次？
你知道我爱你还是你从来不知道？
你在等我开口？
你不愿放开我，还是我不愿放开你？
也许就这样不管不管，我们就这样不再有任何关系。

塔罗牌说我今年会遇到一个懂我的人，
那个人会是你吗？
这一次你会留下来吗？

朋友都劝我move on，
你是不可能留下来的。
我该相信奇迹吗？

在爱情里我总是很傻。
我还是默默地希望，
这一次会不一样。

Random post

After 1 and the half month,
I still not yet figure out should I buy a monitor or buy a new laptop.
So, now I got no laptop to use.
I have to use my company laptop at the moment,
And I less and less online at home because I'm lazy to take out my laptop.
I seriously don't know why it has become a troublesm for me,
Just take out the laptop and I can online at night.
I am just lazy and give up the life online at night.

So, this coming week,
It is a new start of my life.
I have join gym.
I start exercise everyday.
I think is a must to change in my life.
I want to look better and have something to do besides working.

Well, I still care.
I just realize I can't let go my past.
Even I have start a new life.

Why I can't ignore him?
I really don't know why.
I am too lonely? or I too miss him and finally he is single again.
It make me excited or afraid?

No more expectation,
This is the things i told myself.
Just go gym, make myself busy and look better with the result of hard work.
Then someone will realize my inner pretty.

Earn more money to pamper myself,
I want to look great.
That all I wish. <3

My Mr. Right, please let me be your Ms Right.

Well, I wish Ryan look for me, I am interest to know him more.
He is cute and attractive.
However, he didn't reply my msg and make me feel hopeless.
Alright, game rules is still rules we can't ignore.

Sadnya~

My labtop spoilt already,
Really no need blog anymore.
Now I'm using company labtop,
Don't have a single chinese words.
Sad.

给我自己说声愚人节快乐

很久没有写些什么了。

突然间人就这样看开了。

我有选择的，我只是选择忍耐。

我相信这一切会改变的。

我说的是事业。

四月了，我做了什么？

问问自己，我就这样赚了10千块养活了我自己。

原来钱可以小的那么可怕。

每个月赚的2千块只够基本生活费，

而且还是要很省的过每一天。

我也没有很省，只不过比起我以前的生活，

现在节省了很多，但节省的钱就这样给了parking和车右。

每天烦着这些钱钱的问题，累死了。

再来说说感情事，哈哈！

还是零，遇见了一个比一个让我更心动的男人，

却每个都是别人的男人。

我那么不值得你去爱吗？

为何非要那些不要你们的女人。

也许我太容易得到手了吧！

为何就不想想若我没有感觉，

我干什么要理你。

算了，就这样继续零下去吧！

我又再一次看得更开了。

再坚强的心也会软的一刻

就在我心软的时候，为什么偏偏又要遇到同类人。

我总是学不会心硬一点，

怎样还是觉得心有点痛痛的。

多么希望自己是那个被在乎的，

而不是过客。

愚人节总是我的节日，

多么讽刺，经历了这么多，

还是要经历一样的东西。

为同样的历史而心痛。

我又自愚了。

灰色星期五

说不出口的忧郁感，
我真的有点想他。

很久了，没有人哄我的日子。

自信

我自恋的程度已经到达一个无可救药的境界。
我自我得很可怕。
越有挑战性的东西，
我越不会放弃。
我可以就这样换另一份工，
但是这样只是告诉了全世界，
我无能而他赢了。
何况，我不会给人打乱我的计划。
以前的我能，现在的我也是可以的。

被人家这样摆了一道，
山水有相逢，
肯定回他这一道。

烦死了

亲爱的，我真的给你压力了吗？

只是把你当成很好的朋友而已。

这几个月，我真的很难过。不是伤心的难过，而是日子很难过，每天工作得很累，却觉得很无聊。但是累了就不想出街，想出街却没有钱。找个人聊天，却让人觉得我很烦。

这样的日子我还要过到什么时候？

已经连续两个月了，一点改善都没有。

四月，commision出了也许会好一点。

20-2-2012

一个字都写不出。

如果

如果我不那么的坚强，
可以大哭一场。

如果我不那么有目标，
可以快乐大笑。

如果我不那么地愚蠢，
可以自由自在。

如果我不那么死心眼，
可以不需面对所谓的空虚。

如果我做人没有这么多原则，
可以有很多朋友。

如果我能消失，
可以不让别人那么的烦恼。

但如果有如果，
我不会在这写着那么多的如果。

做我的朋友，有时想想还真为难了他们。

失恋都已经打败不了我，
唯独找不到自己的存在价值，
失去了所谓的成就感，
我难过地无法说出口，
我到底有多么地难过。

都市爱情故事（2）

“若体温是最佳的止痛剂，你的体温让我不那么痛了。”

相识也许是一件很奇妙的事。有些人也许你知道它的存在很久，却怎样都没有交际的机会。她知道他，也知道他与她朋友间的爱情故事。她与那一位朋友不是很熟悉，但却觉得可以聊天，也能当好朋友。从来她都不干涉朋友们的事情，所以他只是在故事中，却从来不曾真正认识他或与他说话。

她在他的心中只是女朋友的朋友。分手后，他也忘了她。只记得曾经听前女友说过她的故事，却不记得那些故事的内容。他很爱他的前女友，好像没有人可以代替他的前女友的位置。也许他曾经努力过，但还是有一点伤痕。

一个偶然，他与她再一次出游下认识了彼此。她有点尴尬，因为知道的太多却要装不知。他很自然，性格就是如此的爽快。那一夜，第一次认识和聊天，他与她在窗边一起喝着酒。两个寂寞的人，擦出了瞬间的火花，突然接起了吻。然后不受控制地发生了关系。

事后，她很害怕会动了真感情。这一切都是一时的冲动，就是酒精惹的祸，头脑一片空白，心里的理智被孤单，寂寞给征服了。他很害怕她会对这件事认真，承认这一切他没有真的想好来，她不是他要的女孩，但那一刻的感觉完美地让人永远回味。感觉和现实不能在一起的，感觉过了，现实还是要面对。

她好希望和她爱的男孩一起，却一次又一次狠狠的被伤害。他以为会和他的前女友到老，却狠狠地被前女友一脚踏两船的伤害。

两个受了伤的人借着彼此的体温，像止痛剂的盼望心能暂时不痛。

何时，她才能找到一个疼她的男人，却又是她所爱的？
何时，他才能找到一个能让他好好爱的女人，不会在离开他？

也许上天让他们的相遇地更早，他们会爱上彼此，而不是彼此提供肉体的需要和温暖彼此的心，然后若无其事的离开。

爱真的需要勇气，更需要在对的时机。她祝福他，也希望彼此能成为不错的朋友，受不起伤的女人对这样相识的男生不会有勇气爱上他。

他希望她的心能痊愈，祝福她找到疼她的。一个曾经被抛弃的男人对一个这么热情的女人不会再敢尝试自己是否能绑她成为自己的女人。

那一夜是序，也是他们的最后。

都市爱情故事（1）

“寂寞往往是让人做错事的借口，但也是寂寞让两个不同世界的人连在一起。”
那一夜，她只是一个很累，心受尽了伤的女人。她刚刚经历了人生一个考试，只是还愿意很累的到夜店让吵杂的音乐吞没她内心的痛和寂寞。没有人看得出她的不开心，她依然若无其事的跳着舞，喝喝酒抽抽烟。

那一夜，他只不过是个单纯的男孩，爱情他真的不明白。女人为何可以对他如此的认真，却能和别的男人离去。他只希望能找到一个让他好好爱着的女孩。夜店对他而言只是喝喝酒，轻松轻松一下。

两个不同世界的人认识，接吻，一夜成了最亲密的一对。却对彼此一无所知，突然女的转向另一个男的。

她只是不想有任何感情的记挂，那个吻充满了男人爱着女人的感觉，熟悉的感觉让她害怕，于是她只能逃避。他不明白，也许这女的太贪玩了。这样也好，不需要任何感情，不然又是让自己受伤而以。

爱情可以很简单，却又可以很复杂。两个人既然遇见了却在错的时间，注定了无法恋爱。

她喜欢着一个不愿停下来的男孩，他喜欢着一个因为距离而不能在一起的女孩。两个寂寞的人，利用着彼此身体的温暖寻找那仅存的记忆，暂时不感到寂寞。

Solo Valentine

This morning, as usual I'm jam in the road all the way from Usj to Kelana Jaya. Today is a bit special because my car is full of love song from the One FM. When I reach the office, I on my facebook as usual, all the wall post with sweet status and photo. Gosh~ I feel so sweet and I think I'm in love.

Well, just the feeling that I'm in love but with nobody. Seriously I din really hope or wish to be with someone this year so badly. Unlike last year, I was so desperate and pray so hard just wish I can be with him on this special day. Oh well, I admit that is a bit boring and lonely when there is no one inside your heart and hope for somethings. However, I still feel great and sweet with all the love couple surrounding me. I receive a lot of wish from friends, it make me feel like it is my birthday, really feel so warm.

Tonight, there are few friends asking me to dinner or drinking. Too bad, I'm a bit tired tonight, don't feel like going anywhere. Should I go?

Hooray, finally I close my 1st sales deal. Happy! Commision is coming next month!

Therefore, I have a great valentine this year.

Random post with annoying feeling.

Facebook is a place like to remind you about some special date, I want to forget valentine also cannot. Honestly, that is quite sad that when everyone is saying that you please don't lie la, nobody date you. Oh yeah~ I really nobody date me and I tell the truth, as my friend still want to say like that. Come on, nobody date already pretty upset, still want to put some salt at the scar then let me feel more hurt?

I suppose to be okay and don't feel anything. At least for the last few days, I have feel that is not a big deal if no celebrate and continue to be single. However, today more and more friends asking me about the same questions and discuss about the same things, radio, facebook wall keep mention about valentine. I'm thinking can I have boy friend for 1 day just to celebrate valentine and have flower as valentine gift?

Alright, I a bit sensitive and jealous now just because the guy I like just post his valentine gift on facebook. How I wish I got the chance to buy him a gift for valentine. Again, a single valentine and I decide not to date anyone out. I wait someone or friend to date me out or else I don't mind to hide myself at home and watch hong kong drama.

That is no point to beg people celebrate with you and waste money for an expensive dinner, still need to feel the teasing from their heart. Alright, I know I being over sensitive with the valentine this date. Actually just a day with 24 hours and I have to work 8hour and jam on the road 2 hour and sleep for 7 hour, that is only 3hours for me to ignore that I'm not going to celebrate this date.

How i wish I'm so busy with my work so that I no need so boring and blog in the office. The company restructuring is indirectly affect my mood, how can I'm not emo when everyone is working while I'm so free facebook-ing and blogging? I got no task in the office yet! Waiting for my boss free and teach me plus arrange some job to me. If I'm busy with job, I no need think about the fact that nobody want me, seriously I think I'm not ugly, I'm not fat like a pork chop, why just nobody want me? Character problem, I don't know how to change it, because it is born with. I already try my best speak softly, walk slowly, under training now.

Finally I have come out 2012 wishlist and goals.

1. Successfully save 10k in the bank account.
2. Visit Pulau Redang at May or June.
3. Start my 1st stock investment.
4. Buy a new watches.
5. Pay off the debt of Australia Trip, RM5500
6. Successfully find another part time job to earn money but still anti direct sales and insurance.
7. Cut down on clubbing, only allow myself go 3times a month.
8. Promise myself must minimum at least exercise once a week.
9. Maintain my body weight and become more fit.
10. Successfully look for new hobby.

看透

又是一个单身的情人节。去年在云顶过，今年呢？应该会工作度过，然后回家看戏和玩电脑。

可是，我竟然以平常心看待。真不像我，果然时间让我慢慢看淡这一切。

Bad mood today.

I really beh tahan d! I want to complain! I want to complain my boss, why he holiday still want to assign me job. I'm so lazy to layan him because the job is not urgent and not neccesserory, he don't know that is very boring to work those waste time things. OMG~ He keep ask me call this and call that, but i got nothing to talk to them. That is really so ridiculous and useless. OMG~ I also not clear with my product, how should i talk to customer. Summore, today is CNY fourth day, where got people work.

**********************************************************************************

That is one more upset things, I really don't know what am I trying to do la. I just feel so hate myself go whatapps him. OMG~ I shouldn't do that. Because I say already I want give up! Let go really so hard for me. Please ask Sanze Koh Hui Shang don't think too much! She over think until unhappy with herself.

Little wish, little things

I know I did something wrong.
The beginning of 2012, I already do somthings shock myself.
Roller coaster life this few weeks,
Up and down.
Friends getting more and more,
Crazy stuff doing non stop,
Working getting stress and stress,
Wallet getting dry and dry,
Life getting hard and hard because too much unexpected.
I try to tell myself many many times, things already over.
We can't do anything when things already over.
God bless me.
I hope I won't do any crazy stuff again.
I just want to be a normal girl,
Have a guy care and love me.

2012, I want save up to 10k.
Clear the debt with my mum, RM5,500.
Successfully go Redang and Jakarta.
Be happy always.

Well, I give up on looking for a boy friend.
After what have happen this few month,
I just realize that I actually very hard to trust a guy.
I got no trust on guy anymore.
The guy I like, I no longer wish or dream to be with him.
Well, I like him but I don't want to hurt myself at the end.

2012

新的一年，我只想好好过我自己的生活。我的生活已经迈入另一个阶段了，我不想继续停留在原地。

往前走，向前看。

人人负我，我不负人，还是我做人的道理。我对得起天，也对得起地。幼稚与否，我自己负责，不需向任何人交待。