最后一个月的今年

11月的最后一天，浪漫地以Twilight作为结尾。最难过的11月终于结束了，12月我不敢期待更好，因为我真的是小人当道。只希望明年快点到来然后会更好。22岁即将来临，想到慢慢变老还真的怕，最怕是一年又一年的浪费掉而没有做些什么。不过，说好的22岁会休息一年，所以可以浪费明年。什么都不想，什么都不做，玩和普通做工就好了。

12月的第一天，我相信会在家度过。。因为现在的我生病了。衣服很多还没有洗，那些notes也好没有整理好。我就这样生病了，然后本来以为会得到的工作，多谢自己的天真。现在被人摆了一道，还要是自己的亲戚。真感激这么没脑的人，还要是活了44岁的女人。

所以我说我在家什么也不做，也能招惹很多人。不是男人就是女人，放过我吧！我只想好好的过生活。

改变

自从手机被偷后，换成了最初最普通的手机后，我有很久没有自拍了。渐渐地忘了当初自拍的乐趣，我已被这架什么功能都没有的手机麻木了我的追求欲。没办法，今年我没有把换手机的预算放在里面，所以我没有钱换手机。渐渐地，我把所有的事情都看得很开了，原来普通手机的好处就是你会把所有该放进心里的美丽画面存起来。

自从拿了五个subjects的今年，我已不再追求不停clubbing的生活。虽然停了一段时间没去，但也没有像当初那样的兴奋和期待，不再每次去都特地买新的裙子，装提早化，研究怎样化的又浓又妖艳。因为我终于领悟到了其实男生普通的肤浅，我已经可以毫无感觉地享受着那种被宠的感觉。完全不需要付钱也有本事喝醉就是证明我的实力更本不是新的裙子，浓浓的装。只要你是女生，长得不丑，男生还是会靠近你。

自从上一段又假又真的感情，我从一个每一天都会玩facebook game的人变成一个什么都不玩的人。朋友以前怎样劝我不要这么沉迷都没用，现在时间一到我就不玩了。很多时候，好像都是要自己看通，看透才会改变，变闷才会放弃。就像等着一段没有可能的爱情有点白痴，虽然我曾经想过我真的很想等待，就这样默默地等待。我觉得很浪漫如果我真的能等待，这么多年来我从来没有真的等待过任何一个人，也没有忠心于任何一个人很久。我想也许我太爱我自己了，我太觉得自己了不起了，我过度自信自己的能力，我也太理智了。

我的人生现在好像新的一样，我不知道自己现在可以做什么，不过朋友说，考完试的时间就是要拿来浪费。我觉得我是时候浪费一下我的时间，慢慢沉醉在自己的世界里。暂时停止计划接下来该做什么了，毕业后的时间多的是，不需要赶什么，也不需要梦想自己多少岁要达到什么目标。一天过一天就好了，因为我已经快过很多人了，就让他们快过我吧。曾经有位uncle说如果年轻时穷不用紧，因为你还有时间去变富有，老了不要穷就好了因为你已经没有时间了。目前，我最穷的就是我心灵，那种空无知识，没有内涵，没有修养的心灵真的让我觉得自己很糟糕。我物质上绝对没有问题，对于不追求名牌，名车的人来说，现在的我已经很好了。偶尔可以享用大餐，有vios驾，有衣穿，有房间住，可以逛街，clubbing，存够钱又能去旅行，走过的国家也不少，坐飞机的次数已经超过十次，朋友又不缺。幸福只是一种感觉，所以我学会了什么是幸福，满足就是幸福。我现在很幸福。从来不曾如此珍惜过我拥有的东西，因为他，我学会了珍惜。我领悟了，没有人是非得对你好，对你好不是什么理说当然的事，是我多年来修来的福。因为他曾经对我很好，但一结束就没有了那份好，我却从来没有珍惜过他对我的好，还任性的觉得那些好没有什么，现在我还是有点怀恋那份美好。

今年，我真的成长很多，我对自己的成熟都有点招架不住了。以前总觉得自己很成熟，现在才明白我现在其实才是最成熟的。因为我明白了很多道理，看透了很多事情，李嘉诚说过当你看透了很多事情证明你已经成熟了。一个人要看得通，看得透不简单。有些人一辈子都无法把很多事情看简单，我想要学习把每一件事情看开。我想我被两位朋友影响的很深，因为他们的思想就是那么的正面，我学习着他的思想，发现我变快乐了。情绪化也少了很多，还觉得生命的美好。

Last paper

Tomorrow finally is my last paper d,
I feel so scare.
Just wish me luck.
This paper will decide my destiny.
14hours more.

Happy night

Yesterday night I have free Movie from veronica and free meals from Philip. Really have a nice day with both of them. I feel so happy and feel like all the energy come back to me.

So happy to have a friend that is so understand me, Philip. Really he totally understand me and know me. Life can be so simple, I feel so happy when so many people actually really care about me.

Happiness is so easy for me, I didn't ask to have a lot of stuff. I just want a simple life with my love one all the time and got people understand me, care about me. That is really enough for me.

  

差一点点

那天和朋友研究我的出生日期和时间。我总是差一点，我出世的时间是凌晨00.17分，差一点我的生日日期就是17日了，我是18日出世，差一天我就会是从摩歇座变成水瓶座，因为19日就是水瓶座了。我是华人12月22日出世的，妈妈说我的预产期本来应该是初二，新年期间的。就这样差一点点我就本来属马变成属蛇。

从出世开始我总是差一点点，我的幸福往往也只是差一点点。我差一点点就会和他在一起，我差一点点就会出国念书。就是那么的差一点点，所以我活到现在。因为我也是差一点点就车祸了。

无法改变的，就让“差一点点”成为我生命的遗憾，遗憾有时最美，因为你永远不知道那个答案如果那不是遗憾。

大眼睛又怎样

眼睛这么大，还是没有挣大眼睛看清楚。朋友说的，虽然直接，但心里就是觉得甜，只有要好的朋友才会说的你体无完肤，让你好好反省。今天，能够遇见你这位朋友是我的幸运，也是我们的缘分，如果我的心没有受伤，我们不会是这么好的朋友。我相信我们的友情会很长久，因为我们对得上key。那种相见恨晚的感觉，能够了解我，没有多少人，还要能够让我把他的话听进去，真不简单。

失去了爱情而得到了友情。虽然我现在还在挣扎当中该不该就这样delete他，我还是有一点点妒忌，为何他要入此高调的谈恋爱。可不可以顾虑一下我的感受，很想就这样告诉他，我的心一点都不好，选择原谅你只是想让自己看来潇洒一点，有点面子。不想很丢脸地让你知道我其实爱上你而无法握紧你。对，我就是无法对感情不认真。我的朋友劝我如果真的无法继续，回马六甲休息一下，让心痊愈。我不知道该怎么做这个决定，我只知道如果无意间碰到他，我应该会崩溃。

有时候把自己逼的太强，只会在一个小爆发点就崩溃。

Who is the one?

How nice if have a guy just wanna grab my heart and won't let me go. My heart is totally tired and don't wish to fall for anyone anymore. No matter how much I pretend I'm fine, my heart still in pieces. I waiting someone to join it back and dun let me go. 你在哪里？

我终于要倒了

晚餐都没吃，就睡了一觉。心情却没有好一点，终于被人吵醒了。现在吃着快速面，打着字。只想让自己可以无意间把面给吃完。最近的体重下降的连我自己都怕了，有点太夸张了。虽然自己很想瘦下来，但这样瘦法未免有点吓倒我。可以想象一个星期瘦了2kg，再没有运动的情况下，只是自己一直都没什么胃口吃东西。真的不想再看见自己这样下去，没有人会可怜我。我却无法好好振作，我拥有了这么好的东西却继续自甘堕落，最大的缺点还是没有改。不要这么情绪化好吗？

今天回家的路上，一样很赛车。我在车里不停的呐喊，内心无法平静。有必要逼自己到这么紧吗？有必要一直装大方，装快乐吗？很想让自己放轻松，其实我还没有准备好，只是跟着时间的脚步走。无助得像疯狂大哭，哭却依然那么的困难。从来没想过原来毕业前夕的压力如此之大，一切看似安排好的路却很难走。以为容易的事，原来做起来真的很难。我算是温室长大的小孩，就是这样的失败。难道我要注定被他说中，我一出来社会就惨。无意间，他成为我的假想敌，只因为我的心已被他伤得变成碎片，他的谎言让我觉得自己愚蠢。我只想证明我不是他想的那样。

这一刻，我什么都不想做，我只想让时间过。我把自己逼疯了，我真的没办法再继续坚强下去。我想找个地方让自己和心都躲起来，想要时间停住在我躲起来的时候。

真的不想告诉任何人，现在的我脆弱的一碰就倒。我只想封锁我自己，活在自己的世界。可惜，我活在一个需要文凭，需要工作，需要钱才能生存。没有时间让我躲起来，封锁自己。除非，我不想活了。

感触

大方的祝福他们，只因我不想再停留了。我已经浪费了差不多我的一年青春为了两个男生，没有必要再这样下去了。我明白了，把它收好还是能从新出发。可悲今年我只剩下一个月，最后一个月可以让我尝试一下当facebook relationship status换了的感觉吗？

说好的，今年一定要成功换，却还是不能。我明年一定要说，如果没有兴趣当我的男朋友，麻烦滚远一点，不要浪费我的时间。我其实真的不想就这么放弃，不过一段又一段无法从暧昧变成情侣的感情把我的心给冷了。你啊，你，还不快点出来，你难道就想这样一直看我遇见错的人，心一直伤吗？别躲了，出来吧！

快要说再见的四年大学生涯，却是一大堆情情爱爱的回忆。

You are apple of my eye.

I just back from a Taiwan movie, "You are the apple of my eye". Well, the story really touch my heart and maybe I read before the novel, so I feel the novel is more details than the movie. All my memories is coming back to me. My secondary school memories and this few years Uni memories all is back to my mind.

I really have a lot of story to tell because my life is not normal. Everyday, every month have somethings unique happen, happy or sad also got. Story with guys, I have a lot, story with girls also I have a lot. I have a lot of friends, that why I have a lot of memories.

I'm thinking now, who is the guy I love the most for this few years, I can't give an answer. Because I just realize I equally love them just I love them in different stage of my life. I think maybe I just love myself more than everyone, but I seriously thanks to them because without them, I unable to shape my character now, and I will continue become that girl will lost control, emotional and negative.

Thank to 《那些年，我们一起追过的女孩》，I just realize that I should be happy that I have a very nice teenage life. If I really die now, seriously I feel no regret in life.

*I ask myself do I still feel sad for that things? If I no longer sad, why every night I will think about it? I just burn myself because of the curiosity. The most scary things is, he still non stop come in my dream disturb me sleeping. Haiz. People already have new gf lo, I think so much for what, we are just impossible. I keep remind myself, I must live happy and live normal, just treat the last few months nothing happen before.   

Random Post

Today I have my 1st exam for the final semester. I don't know why I'm so nervous till can't sleep whole night, but that is normal for me. I can't really sleep when exam is around, I just have too much stress to face it because I told myself, I only can success, I cannot failed! No choice, this sem I choose to take 5 subjects in order to graduate on time, the stress is expected. Some more, recently my heart was so empty, I feel like going out non stop, look for new excitement to cover the part of my heart which already hurt. Need time to cure it because I need to accept the fact that I'm can't even protect the relationship with the guy I love is totally have bad impact on my confidence. This is already 4th times within three months and end a relationship. The most sad things is actually everytime also because of another woman, that why I don't have chance. Is my faith, woman just like to fight for the guy I like, when I don't like them, normally they have single for quite long before start date with me.

Back to topic, after the stressful exam. Is time to relax myself before study hard for the next paper on next Monday. Have lunch with Philip, again my recent best buddy at One U sushi Zanmai then we have random movie section, Immortal. The service of Sushi Zanmai in One U is totally bad! We wait for an hour just for our sushi, and the floor is dirty. The only best things they can do is keep refill green tea for you. =.= Swt!

Immortal, nice but cruel for me. Not much comment on this movie, because I don't have much feeling after watching it. Recently, I will be keep going out because I know I just need to out more often to see how beautiful is this world. Time will cure my heart, I will wait for my happiness in the future. Sometimes Not i don't want to care, just I care also nothing I can do. Impossible I go fight with his new gf or go scold him. Because scold also useless, do anything also he already dump me. Nothing I can do, better go look for new one. Just need to open my heart, accept the fact and bless other.

Exam.

Now I feel regret d, I totally don't know how to do. Oh why?

Dramatic day 11-11-11

Yesterday was really a dramatic life for me ever. Seriously, I never thought before it will end like this, and I realize if I tell a fren, maybe they will think I create a story by myself. According to my plan, morning submit the IPD assignment, noon sing K section with a group of China fren cuz on of my china fren ask me to join her celebrate Single day(11-11-11), then after sing k, we will hv our dinner then heading to @live. The plan is sound so perfect but end up is totally not like this.

1st, I wait at my house from 2pm till 8pm only manage go out dinner, I'm so lucky that I have my subway lunch in Uni with my friend, if not I have eat maggi mee at home by that time I think. And then i manage to have a nap, send my resume to 2 company and facebook saw that guy just dump me have a kiss picture with his new girlfriend, means my dream never come true.

Then, I go to my china fren house, then her fren suddenly want to join her to @live so we wait and wait till 8 plus. We were in the chinese muslim restaurant because my china fren is a muslim. That Chinese muslim restaurant really a bit suck, because the serving was so slow. Then about 9 plus, back to Suriamas, i go change my clothes for a while. When I back to my fren house, my fren told me that I have to drive my car. My heart immediately what the hell! Act I plan to go zouk because i not willing to drive so i choose to join her that night to @live. Okay, since if I get angry or scold is useless, i just be patient and drive to KL.

When we reach @live, seriously i never thought that china fren are so "smart", how can you go club without bringing your passport. You think here is China, won't check on you so no standard. Summore your look was just like a kids. Therefore, so happy that we wait outside @live and unable to go in. I seriously feel regret at that moment, since no different, i still have to drive, why don't I just join Sharon at 1st place to zouk. Then I suggest we change to Zouk. And then we jam again in the road, and I almost accident, because I seriously don't know the road, i don't know we can'r right turn to zouk, have to make a U turn in front. So lucky that Teksi brake as fast as he can so din bang to my car. If not, tragedy will happen then.

Finally, we reach zouk. I thought I manage to bring them in as Putera was working there, he got guestlist. Unfortunately the guestlist was close when we reach there because he say the guestlist just until 12am. That time, I was Oh My God, I feel like I don't want care anything and go in have fun! So, my china fren was suggest that they take teksi go nearby sing k, then when I finish club then fetch them back. Such a good idea, I just want to go in zouk to have fun! So i call Sharon and ask her whether can bring me in or not, if not I just pay cover charge. So awkward is Victor, my fren ex boy friend bring me in because he was VIP there, means he can just straight away walk in without any block and check long queue. It is really weird for me, because I feel that I don't want to have any relation with him after they broke up. He was embarrass me before at Soul Out but just a tiny things, I don't really angry about that. Just feel weird at that moment, because i thought he hate me.

I was have a lot of fun in zouk, the drink is just like free flow for me, non stop supply until I have to really stop myself because I'm driving. So many people treat me drink and make me feel like once again pampered by people. Well, I actually feel quite down when I go inside phuture, the feeling is like stranger, I used to be very familiar with that place but I have quit for sometimes and now I return is like totally strange for me. Lucky this feeling is just about 30min and I start get used to it. There is no any special guy that grab my heart away, but I got see few guys is my type but then I don't manage to know them so just forget about it. One more things, I have a very good market to attract foreign guy, there is about 3 foreign guy, one from france, one from Arab and another one don't know from where try to grab me to dance with them. However, no mood to fool around with them on that night due to Mr. J post a photo that he kiss his new GF. Ya, so fast he have found his Miss Right, I'm still there alone without seeing or get close to any Mr.Right of course I didn't feel good. But I won't simply pick one on the roadside, because I trust my standard can always find a better one. *Over Confidence with myself* Back to the topic, I have dance with a guy wearing red colour shirts, he look quite cool in the dance floor and he make me feel myself are attractive. Too bad, I can't remember his name and don't have his number.

After finish clubbing, I call my China friend and plan to pick them up. Who know they all already take teksi back, so sad that I have to drive alone back home at 4am. So pity right, somemore nobody call me whether I reach home already or not after I reach my house. This make me feel really want to find a boy friend so at least got someone call me. But then again, I give up this idea in the morning. I'm just too enjoy being single, maybe I just need some relationship like casual or open relationship, means we are boy friend and girl friend but then we still have our own pleasured time. He just need to care about me, I will be very happy already. The story havent end, because when I reach my house, I just realize I drop my housekey. Meaning I got no door to get in my house. Then I got no choice, call my housemate at 4.30am just to open the door for me.

Seriously, I feel so bad for calling people in the morning 4.30am. But I got no other choice d, if not i have to sleep inside my car or maybe will get rap by other. Okay, I know I think too much. So that is for my wonderful 11-11-11 dramatic day! I feel sad, happy, frustrated, angry, heart pain, tired and confidence.

我为自己许了一个不可能会发生的愿望，也许那一刻我就是喜欢这种遗憾的美丽。愿望不是每个都能实现，但至少我们曾经有过这种愿望，就当作自己发了一场好梦。

How my 11-11-11 will be? Hehe~

Never think of what will happen on 11-11-11, maybe it will be very romantic if you start a relationship on this day. But I think start on which date also will be romantic as long as you will remember it the rest of your life because you are with someone special, sure you won't forget. 10-10-10 of mine is nothing happen because I'm rushing assignment and prepared for the exam. So, 11-11-11 is same, i just finish my assignment and prepare for the monday exam. Someone special, where are you?

I got small little wish that is impossible to come true, I wish that guy just dump me tell me "I love you".

So impossible right, if he love me then he won't dump me. Haha. But that is not wrong to dream because dream always is fake. So I will continue dream it while I sleeping because I feel happy if I dream that. Since I still love him, so my 11-11-11 will not celebrate with the one I love. So I will celebrate with friend, maybe will go out to meet some new friends.

Small little record of 10-11-11, My body is older than many aunty and uncle, really feel shame when doing body attack class in gym just now, i can't finish the whole section, i just feel my brain go blank, body pain until I can't continue because I scare if I force myself, it will hurt my organ.

After gym, I have very nice snowflake with fren. I met another important people in my life, there is my new best friend Philip. I seriously can talk with him everything and feel comfort when talk to him, because his theory is same with me. We are all crazy. I love to live happily everyday just like this. All the problem is not a problem if you really don't take it too serious, the hardest time will past very fast if your happy moment past very fast too. Everyone have 24 hours so the world is equal.

Don't be surprise why I suddenly can live so positive. Because the things I have go thru this year make me think positive d, nothing can consider worst if die is not the worst things.

Can't believe he just pass away

Tonight I plan to finish my IPD assignment. But I go read my fren blog, and then I plan to start it after reading my fren blog. Then I facebook 1st as usual, when i start doing anything i will automatic facebook 1st, i saw a sad news in facebook. One of my idol,許冠英 has pass away. Can't believe he just pass away.

Haiz, this is so called life. Really 2 things in life, born and die. That why I now no mood to do my IPD assignment d, because I'm just feel so sad.

I don't know why, i just love funny guys. I realize every guy can really attack my heart have a common things is even they are not laughing, I still feel funny. Because their look are funny and they behave like kids want a sweet, I feel funny. Again, I'm crazy here because my idol is pass away.

If continue like that, i really scare I can't graduate. But I know, I'm last minute person, I don't have any idea if I still got a lot of time.

One day I will pass away also, I just wish I can hold the one I love when I pass away. Of course, my weakness is guy, so it will be my future lover. Ok, I stop desperate for guy at this moment, because one of the guy i like when I was young had pass away. I can't believe that, cannot accept.

You might think I'm crazy, I'm crazy all the time. If I act normal, then that is not Sanze Koh.

K, now i want continue go sad for the fact. Good Nite.

"stop being crazy there!"

Celebration of 500 posts

This is 500th post. Hooray!

Recently I don't know why I update my blog so often. Even I realize actually nobody are reading my blog, because I didn't promote it, I don't post on my facebook. Well, I just scare people actually understand me. Sometimes, I refuse to let people understand me, I scare unwanted advise will influence me. Maybe I just love being live in my own world. Here is my comfortable zone. I never feel secure of my life even I born from a middle class family, no financial problem, not much stress because I still a student until this month. No rush for looking job because my mum promise will continue give me financial support till February. What stress I have? But the uncertainty of future make me feel so insecure. I scare I will be torture by my boss, I scare I will meet a bad guy in the future, cheat all my money and torture me. I worry I can't live better than now. I scare I don't have the ability to survive by myself.

Well, maybe you will think I think too much, but imagine that your comfort zone suddenly change, can you really bear on it? I totally no idea. So far, no guy torture me before, no guy cheat my money before, no guy really cheat my feeling just they take away my heart. But i know after few months, they will return it to me, i will got my heart back and give it to new one. Believe in God, he had arrange the road for me. I think for the past 21, he has arrange a very good road to me, just some small little unhappy things but still I live great right now.

I'm appreciate that I can live until today, because few times I tot I can't live anymore. I tot my life is come to the end. I'm sensitive people, thank to him for giving me this lovely character. I love my character being so emotional and sensitive. Hard to imagine if I don't have feeling, my life will be bored. I don't know what is sad and hurt if I never experience happy before. Love myself, and love the people around me. I never realize that I blame a lot of my life till now I'm 21. Finally, I realize I live better than a lot of people. Life hardly to be perfect, but this is still the life I want. I choose it, why I want to feel unhappy for my choice? I learn a lot, I experience a lot of stuff. I love explore new things, new stuff, new relationship. I suffer before, I sad before, I try to commit suicide before. At my age 21, I learn a lot and open up my heart. Take everything calmly. Ya, I realize you just need to chill and you will realize, not a big deal. I dump guy before, of cuz I have to accept the fact that I dump by guy too.

A friend has told me that, if you think that is not a problem, then just be yourself. Others might tell you, you should change and be like this or that, imagine if you listen to it then you will another same person. There is nobody are same. Don't trust that kind of crap, just be yourself. Think and do it, live better. Nobody will help you to live, if yourself don't know how to live your life.

Another friend was tell me that "原来看的开的意事只，看大点，看的远，看的通，看的透，和看的明。 而不是放气，放下和放开。。因为那叫let it go..." You won't let it go because it has be part of your memory unless you don't have memory. So, just look it at big picture, let it be part of your memory because human brain has a lot memory space, don't waste it. At the same time, you need to find new memory for your brain, if not so big memory space for you is useless.

Talk to me if you are unhappy. Trust me, you will be happy after that. I'm a joker.

p/s: I want go drink and play pool tonight to celebrate this 500th post! Not easy to have 500th post with the speed I blog! Hehe.

Nothing Special

Yes, I'm just back from Melaka, means the following day I will be quite busy for studying and assignment. Oh well, I keep telling myself, I'm happy, I'm busy, I have to move on.

Weird~ I don't know why recently I don't feeling typing a single word of chinese. Weird case, I don't know what is in my mind currently! I got no idea, why I sound so weird, look so weird, act funny. Stop being funny, this is what I have been told. Ya, a guy gone, more guy to come, an old one go, a new one will come. However, again I miss him without any signal, any single reason. Again, I being scold by my friend, why you want to do this kind of things to hurt yourself? Why? I also got no idea. Too playful? Everytime I'm full of stress, sure no one want to be with me. This is a cruel fact of my life. 3years, how I wish someone willing to bring me food when I study too hard, how I wish someone will hug me tight tight and ask me rest a while only continue study.

Ok, I'm dreaming again. No reason for it, just love to dream. I wish next year will be better. I know next year will have a same goal again, i want to be in serious relationship. Haha. Sound hopeless, cuz alrd 3years I told myself the same things. I want feel secure. =)

That all of my story today. Chao~

Lipdub

Today I was so enjoy the "lipdup" in my Uni. It is really fun and awesome. At the same time, I feel release stress. Well, when you can just joke around, crap a lot, no need care about what they think of you because you know it is not gonna happen anything or continue to be best fren or more than fren, relax. Just be myself. I can be very crazy, cheerful, naughty and Joyful! I'm just like a guy, can joke any kind of topic, I'm not sensitive, i don't act girly. However, I love girl stuff quite a lot and I have the sensitivity of girl. I realize I'm perfect combination but then I actually have a lot of problem and disadvantages.

Haha, don't know what am I talking about. By the way, just want to make a small record about today, is fun and tired day. Hope the effect of the music video will be great! Thanks to Payam give me such opportunity to join somethings huge! Haha! This is the first event I join at Uni and make me have a good memory. I know a lot of new and funny friends such as Victor, Derrick, Mitchell, Lulu, and bla bla bla that i keep talking to them but actually dunno them and don't really remember their face. Thanks to Manshuk, give me some financial temporary support because I really pissed off wth a girl. I think i no longer want to out with her anymore, doesn't matter I borind or be alone. Seriously, i really think she will make others think I'm same with her if I go too close with her. She really don't how to agak one lo! I got no money still want me help her to buy the T-shirt! Really "Smart" la she, I reject till so obvious also want to continue ask me buy! Come on, I'm not the guy like you or you hired me la! The things i hate the most is those girls really banyak pattern, I can ensure that I even more pattern if she don't how to stop it.

Last but not least, I feel so want to go Zouk. I so long didn't party, but I don't know how. I don't how should I go after reach home at 10pm. I'm so tired!

Feeling of tonight

Today I have a great night chatting with my friend, Sharon. Sometimes, I just know what is going on with myself, I not that lost. Just I not dare to face my problem, I so afraid of changing. Sometimes, you just need someone to keep remind you, you are the one who is with a lot of life plan and goals. Have you achieve it? No, I haven. So, why I keep lost at there?

Feeling is normal for a girl, especially a girl who like to think too much. That's me. Be myself, trust yourself is a better person after all.

I admit that I just get confuse with the game I play with, because the feeling is real but it is a game. This is good for challenging myself to a better level, what I need to do is wake up and be clear with the game rules. Who fall 1st is the loser. Don't be afraid to be a loser, you learn. I'm the loser, cuz I have lost my heart to you in 2011.

I learn a lot from the past relationship and I know if I know how to stop it at the right time, I won't have such hurt feeling. I should thank to him because he found out something wrong with me and immediately stop the game.

Well, if I'm totally fine is totally a lie. But then is ok to be not really fine because is just happened. When one day I stop write something about him, then I know I'm fine. I know I might not really ok at this moment, but the feeling is getting weak. I love him? I think I just miss him, I love myself more. Because I din go chase for it, I just agree to let go. I don't even want to waste my time to chase for him when I think that is so low chance to get him, so I assume that I just like him. I believe if I really love a person, I will totally don't care of the percentage things.

Just read a friend blog, I believe what I judge him is correct, when he really love a girl, he will totally 100% love that girl. He didn't really love me last year. Lucky I didn't go for it, I still prefer a guy love me more than I love him.

Feeling is somethings hard to explain, it is weird. I know I have met the one who truly love me before although I not so sure. But 6 years, he non stop go after me, I assume he truly love me before. Just too bad, I don't want to be with him at all. I know he will love me as much as he can but just wrong timing. I can't deny that I don't love him at all when in a relationship with him but that kind of love I think is just touching for his . He never give me that feeling I want to do everything with him. I just want to find a guy that I willing to do everything for him. I'm so sorry I never have such strong feeling with you before even I feel safe and warm when you hold my hand.

Maybe a guy who give me some challenge can make me fall for him. Till now, I'm still confuse which is the guy I love the most. I just know, I always so in love with a guy when I'm with that guy.

Thousand of bad feeling

If according my plan, tonight I should finish my IPD assignment after my final presentation. However, I totally no mood to do anything, so I thought I will got mood to start my assignment after movie with my frens,"In Time". After that, I went to station1 in ss15 with fren and start doing the IPD assignment. Sad things is, I keep talking with him about the same issue over and over again. Then I keep facebook and read others blog. Finally I decide stop everything and back home to rest.

When I'm home, I watch drama for a while. Then I chat with fren in facebook for a while. So as usual, I click on the link of blog, and I read his blog again. 1 year ago, he is the one that suddenly go away from my life, delete me in facebook and msn. Then he change his phone num, totally no more contact with me. And now he is hurt. Haiz, I also hurt now, just by different guy. I seriously miss him when he walk away. I never thought I will like him or fall for him, but then today after discuss it in detail with Philip, everything is really a faith.

He not my kind of guy just because he has tummy and look a bit uncle. But once I get to know him more, i found out he actually very man and has his cute side. Then I 1st time being robbed, I bang car, I have the most stress for this sem as the assignments is so much. I think, bcuz he is the one be with me when i need accompany the most, that why I fall for him. That is the only reason I can explain, why I fall for him. But then, I not yet go even deeply love him, he has walk away. Sad.

Love that Quote, "missing someone is just like fish without water, suffer". I really do suffer a lot at this moment because I seriously don't know how to stop myself miss him. I just miss him without a reason. Can I be with him in the future? Believe that, maybe. Impossible is nothing, just believe it you will get. Well, this is just used for motivate people, the real is I impossible can get him so I have to move on. I miss you. =)

I wish tomorrow I will back to normal and have very good mood to finish the IPD assignment. Guy is my weakness, but it won't stop me to achieve my goals.

一时感想

今天是我在学校presentation最后一次了。

终于要毕业了，

虽然不知道是否顺利，

不过，我觉得我会顺利毕业。

毕竟剩下的四个考试都不会太难，

应该应付得来。

原来当我毕业时，

我不会找工。

可能会随便找工作，

然后累积经验先。

有工请介绍我，

本小姐需要开始供车了。

每个月最基本的生活费就已经RM1500。

还没有包括吃喝玩乐的费用。

想到都觉得可怕。

伸手要钱虽然有点需要看人脸色，

但自己赚钱绝对辛苦得无言。

愿上帝保佑！

我顺顺利利。

November 来了

十一月啦~

快要结束这一年了！

final exam后，

我就毕业了。

时间真快，

剩下两个月，

脱离单身的目标已经放弃。

世界这么美好，

玩到闷先。

我现在已经放弃找男朋友了，

因为没有意思。

看了What's your number？为十月结束的电影。

顺其自然有时会好过设定目标。

也许心死了，也许被朋友点醒了。

下个月，我会找到工作吗？

希望我能找到工作。